There was, at one point, a sweet spot for dating apps, where the focus was more on messaging and longer profiles, but also didn’t have bulls-t charges built in

If you share your phone number with a match, Hinge will follow up a few days later and ask if you went on a date and whether you’d meet them again. The data will be used to improve any future matches to try to pair you with similar people. Apparently three out of four first dates on Hinge would like to see each other again.

Hinge also links this data with cues like inactivity in the app or deletion of an account to signify a successful relationship. All of this improves Hinge’s formula: the aim is not to find people who like the exact same things, but pair you off based on related interests.

DEAR DR. When I started using them I’d answer to be polite but learned very quickly not to do that if I’m not interested. So I stopped. But I get yelled at if I don’t respond.

This why even apps like Bumble have a similar interface

I get chastised if I don’t answer right away (I was actually called the “c” word. I didn’t answer right away because I was at work).

I canceled a subscription. I thought it would delete my profile but it kept it up and allowed people to message me. I’d get notified that someone left a message but I’d ignore it since I canceled. I went back on about a year later and my inbox was full of men yelling at me for being rude. I never saw those messages!

It’s to the point that I lay off dating sites for a while, but I’ve met some wonderful people on so these sites so I go back on.

I don’t get it, if I message someone and they don’t answer I just go on with my life. Why do they get so hostile?

Slightly longer version: dating apps moved to a mechanic that encourages rapid responses, people have entitlement issues that can be exacerbated by the mechanics of an app, the algorithms affect who we see or don’t see in ways that create mismatches and also: some people are a–holes.

I’m old enough to remember things like Spring Street Personals on every site out there, where you had to buy credits in order to message people. OKCupid coming in and eliminating that was like an earthquake in the online dating space. Then Tinder came along – stealing much of its mechanics and vibe from Grindr – with an emphasis on high-speed, low-drag interactions that were (theoretically) supposed to help you find a hook-up with people who were near you. The swipe mechanic and limited room for information in your profile meant that the emphasis was placed more on photos and instant “yes/no” choices. The immediacy of “IT’S A MATCH” if you and someone else swiped right on each other helped create a sense of urgency and speed. Since Tinder was originally a hook-up up/same-night lay kind of app, there was a certain expectation of things moving at a rapid clip.

It also didn’t help when apps moved from a more email-style form of interaction to direct-messaging… complete with read receipts and notifications that this or that account are currently online. What was supposed to create incentive to talk – hey, you’re both online, here’s an interface that mirrors iMessage or WhatsApp – instead creates an expectation of immediate gratification, on top of the swipe mechanic. The immense popularity of Tinder and the consolidation of dating apps under a few companies – looking at you, Match Group – meant that these mechanics ended up becoming a de-facto standard across the board.